The Subtle Ways We Live as Our Not Self in Human Design
Most of us often come to Human Design in our search of who we’re meant to be. Seeing our design for the first time can feel like a deep sigh of relief in recognition. But when that initial respite from constant restlessness fades, we often succumb to that same sense of stuckness that led us here in the first place.
I recognise so much of myself in it because that has been my experience too. When I first saw my chart and learned about the basics of it, I recognized all the ways I had been shaming and judging certain parts of me. I had learned to override my natural way of being.
But the further I explored, life didn’t magically overhaul itself to what I thought it needed to be. My mind still held onto certain expectations. Through that journey I discovered that our not self will always be a part of us. It’s how we relate with it that changes us.
In this piece, we’ll explore what it’s like to realise you’ve been overriding yourself. We’ll look at the everyday moments where it happens, how it feels in your body, and what changes when you begin to notice it instead of pushing past it.
What You’ll Find Here
The Quiet Ways We Abandon Ourselves
There’s a moment during our deconditioning journey when we notice that we’ve softened into the parts of ourselves that were once shamed. We allow more of them to be as they want to be, rather than forcing the opposite.
But that shift doesn’t happen through memorizing what our defined channels or gates mean. It won’t come from trying to fit ourselves into what our purpose is according to Human Design.
That shift can only occur through radical self-honesty.
We get to a point when being honest about the ways we’ve been going against our own nature is really the only option left. We see the patterns and behaviours that have helped us fit in. All the ways we’ve appeared as normal and accepted. But that moment can be very confronting, destabilising even. We are finally seeing all the ways we’ve abanonded ourselves.
Slowly, as we lean deeper into the process of deconditioning, we begin to notice how abandoning our natural way of being brings agitation. It can start to push us further into frustration and disconnection.
It can often distance ourselves from who we are at our core and how we naturally want to move through this world. That in itself creates friction within us because we can no longer unsee how social conditioning has been running our lives.
We see all the ways we’re not meant to fit in, in the traditional sense. And that brings its own set of challenges.
We start to question whether it’s safe to follow what our body is telling us and risk being misunderstood or whether we override it in order to be more socially palatable and acceptable? And that’s part of the process of letting go of the illusion of who we think we are.
Understanding the Not Self
The not self in Human Design refers to the conditioned programming, the mental patterns and the learned behaviours that mask our authentic nature. It’s the parts of us that our mind identifies with the most, the parts that are the most susceptible to external influences.
It might help to look at these parts through the lens of our younger self who at one point in time needed to be a certain way so that they felt like they belonged. That’s why these versions of us conformed to societal and familial expectations. But it’s important to understand — with compassion and curiosity — that we allowed the mind to take the lead whilst overriding what our body actually signalled.
That’s the sneaky side of the not self. It can show up in such subtle ways that none of us really ever question the behaviour. They become part of the landscape of our everyday life.
We speak when we don’t really have anything to say because we find the silence too uncomfortable. We reach out for and hold onto certain connections, even when they feel forced. We attend social events even though we don’t really want to. But we’re afraid to miss out or be cast out of the tribe. We override our own boundaries so we wouldn’t come across as “too much” or “too harsh”.
As these subtle ways of overriding ourselves accumulate over time, they become a version of us that no longer feels true. We live with a constant subtle underlying frequency that tells us something’s off.
And that emotional cue is what lets us know we’re resisting something. And that marker is unique to each one of us that our chart can pinpoint to. This means deconditioning looks different to each one of us.
What Deconditioning Actually Is
Deconditioning is the slow and physical process of letting go of what we are not. Fundamentally, it’s about learning to follow our Strategy and Authority instead of defaulting to mind’s conditioned responses or reactions. They’re unique to each of us based on our design.
But it all starts with recognising our Type which defines our particular mode of operating. When we operate against it, that’s when our not self themes emerge most prominently.
Often, we’ve operated against our own nature since childhood. And that makes deconditioning later in life a slow, uncomfortable, and ongoing process.
But the end goal isn’t to get rid of the not self. Because here’s the truth: we don’t get rid of it; we simply change our relationship with it.
And that truth doesn’t just stay inside us. It shows up in relationships. Because getting honest also means becoming quieter than we’ve allowed ourselves to be. We learn to say no and let others feel that disappointment. We stop reaching out for those connections that felt forced. We allow people to have their opinions of us without identifying with them. We draw boundaries based on our personal preferences, even when it comes across as blunt and potentially rude.
At times, it can feel extreme. We’re pulling back more than feels comfortable. And there is a cost to taking on this experiment that perhaps doesn’t get talked about often enough. But it’s real and it can often feel lonely.
The Real Cost of Deconditioning
Quite often the social circle changes. The things we’ve been spending our time and energy on no longer feel as fulfilling. Some people will naturally distance themselves because we’re no longer the version they felt comfortable with. And that can bring up feelings of guilt, or even the need and pull to rebuild bridges. Go back to the way we were.
We start to question ourselves whether the distance is somehow on us and something that we’re doing wrong. And yes, more often than not, it feels lonely, even if we love spending time with ourselves.
Because more often than not, when we are being met by others, there’s a disconnect that’s happening. And that is difficult to ignore when we’ve got a glimpse of how we’ve been going against our own nature.
And when we really sit with it and get honest with ourselves, we don’t really want to go back to the alternative. We no longer want to perform social norms. There’s a certain rebellious frequency to this phase of deconditioning. We no longer want to be accepted for a version of us that we have to maintain. Because that kind of belonging can also cost too much. It’s just different.
But as some people distance themselves, others come closer. They see the version that isn’t willing to perform in order to be accepted. They see the version that is there in front of them right now.
And that connection feels different. It feels simpler and clearer. We don’t have to adjust ourselves to stay in it. There’s no expectations as to how we should be. We can simply be as we are and offer the other the same.
A Simple Way to Start Recognising Your Not Self
Whether you’re new to Human Design or you’ve been in your experiment for awhile, it can be hard to catch the not self as it’s happening. But instead of shaming or judging ourselves, or overanalyse it, we can start with something much simpler: noticing how we act in our daily life. And our Type mechanics can be a great place to start observing it.
Each Type has its own natural way of moving through life. That’s called our Strategy. And when we’re out of alignment with it, we tend to feel a specific kind of friction. So the primary function of Type and Strategy is to liberate ourselves from our not self tendencies and start navigating the world with less resistance.
Below you’ll find the core truth of each Type and a few prompts to help you process whether you’re living in alignment with it or against it.
If you’re a Generator or a Manifesting Generator: the core truth is that you’re not designed to be a go-getter. You’re here to move through this world in response. In your daily life, notice where you’re initiating things and how that might lead to resistance. Are you forcing things to happen? What if, for one day, you simply moved from response only? How might that affect your energy throughout the day?
If you’re a Projector: the core truth for you is that you have to recognise your own value. In your daily life, notice where you’re seeking recognition and where you’re potentially settling. Are you trying to attract attention or answering incorrect invitations out of fear? What if, for one week, you didn’t initiate any offering of advice? How might that lessen your sense of bitterness? What doors might that open up?
If you’re a Manifestor: the core truth for you is that you are here to make an impact. In your daily life, notice where you’re holding yourself back or avoiding informing. Are you dampening your sense of independence out of fear of being controlled? What if, for one week, you informed those who your actions might impact the most? How might that lessen external interference?
If you’re a Reflector: the core truth for you is that you are different from everyone else and not everyone deserves access to you. In your daily life, notice where or with who do you feel left out or invisible, and when you’re prone to conform to social norms. Are you trying to fit in out of fear? What if, for one week, you allowed yourself to simply observe life without any kind of initiation or expectation? What surprises might you encounter?
I’d love to hear how this lands for you. Feel free to comment below.
A Slow Process of Letting Go
If there’s anything to take away from this, it’s that Human Design doesn’t tell you who to be. Rather, tt shows you where you’ve been abandoning yourself and overstepping your own boundaries.
No matter how far into the journey you are, deconditioning isn’t about fixing yourself. More so, it’s a cyclical process of letting go of the layers that are not you. And that’s why slowness is not optional.
It doesn’t happen all at once. But eventually you’ll start to feel the difference between your authentic self and the one that acts from social norms and expectations. Both versions are welcomed because ultimately that’s the path to our wisdom.
And if you feel like diving deeper into your conditioned tendencies, The Friction Within is the space where we explore this together through your lived experience, your chart patterns, and the way your body actually wants to move through the world.
Hi, I’m Silvia Poldaru. I work with Human Design through the body, supporting deep feelers and overthinkers to trust themselves in real life. Curious to learn more about who I am and why I do this work? Read more here.
The image credit goes to Cameron Stow from Unsplash.
